When We Are Hurt

Healing & Practical Tips for Healthy Relationships

Why Do We Hurt?

Manage your behaviour. When we are hurt we can want revenge, or to hurt the other person. Such intrusive thinking is not ‘bad’. Thoughts are just thoughts. But if you actually turn such thoughts into actions, you can end up more hurt than you already were, disliked, and full of regret. TRY THIS: Ask a friend to be a support buddy who you can turn to and call when you are feeling like you might do behaviours you regret. Agree to time each call to five minutes (you don’t want to use them like a dumping ground). If you don’t have anyone to talk to, consider a counsellor. This website and its content is copyright of Harley Therapy Ltd. - © 2006-2023 https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/. All rights reserved.

Emotional hurt can be comprised of many different feelings. Have you ever felt that you were crushed, deprived, ridiculed, devalued, pained, cheated, or damaged? These are just a few words that can describe hurt feelings. We have all felt hurt at some time or another in our lives. People have done things to hurt us many times in our lives as well as we have probably done things to hurt others many times in our lives. The good thing is that we are still here to talk about it, to work through it and to keep on living a positive life. So, how can we conquer hurt feelings?

How We Cope

The bad side of experiencing hurt is when we don’t work through it, when we don’t learn from it and move on, we continue to hurt ourselves and those around us. Hurt makes us bitter when we let it pile up on us, hurt makes us defensive, and hostile. We tend to push people away from us when we are in a defensive mode.

But we can learn from hurt, and we must if we intend to grow.  Learning from hurt is the work of The Spirit,  and we grow through the grace and power of God, to forgive others, not necessarily for the person who hurt us, but for ourselves; We all know forgiving others is not an easy thing to do.

Does your hurt seem boundless? Is it a preoccupation you can’t seem to kick? Perhaps friends have mentioned that you seem to be making a mountain out of a slight or injustice they consider small. Confronting and unpacking these feelings is the first step back to a healthy emotional balance. The phrase, “what would Jesus do!” can be a tool we use to help us during trying times. The name of Jesus brings us to scripture for guidance and to our knees for honest prayer. There, the Word of God can enlarge our viewpoint, and remind us of the presence and promises of God.

Feeling Left Out

Denise’s friend Jean had an invitation-only birthday celebration. Janey never received an invitation to the event even though most of her other friends did. From that time forward Janey has held a distance from Jean, and all the other friends who attended the birthday celebration.

Slighted, offended, neglected, invalidated, humiliated, laughed at and disrespected are just a few of the hurt feelings that she might have felt.

Below on this page, we offer tools that anyone who is hurting can use to confront these feelings and move forward. Read on…

Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.

Jeremiah 33:6

Arise, cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night watches! Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!

I John 1:9

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not…, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:14-15

Confronting Hurt Feelings Victoriously

Les Brown “Getting Unstuck”

In this video, motivational speaker, mentor and teacher, Les Brown, offers personal insight into the ways life’s challenges can leave us stuck. Then with humor and practical wisdom, he recommends how we can move through some of the steps below to find our way through and out of emotional hurt, injustices, and even tragedies in our lives. In addition to general guidelines below, Mr. Brown offers specific strategies on how to cope with hurt and move forward with intentionality.

Acknowledge Emotional Pain

Understand why you are hurt, and what you are feeling. Try to understand painful memories. Feel the pain, and express exactly what you are feeling. The people may not be around, that is not important. Getting it out of your system is important. Putting clarity about your hurt in front of you for examination is a first step. Journaling is a great tool, it can help you to get your feelings out. Your journal is yours, you can write a letter, an article, use it for a drawing, write a poem, anything that can help you purge your feelings. Remember feeling wronged is very different from living wronged. Our emotions are valid but how we handle them is what is so important.

Manage Your Behavior

When we are hurt, we can want to seek revenge, to hurt the person at fault or even a person only indirectly involved.  Such intrusive thinking is not ‘bad’. Thoughts, while important, are only thoughts – not actions. However, these thoughts can grow larger with focus. If you actually turn such thoughts into actions, you can end up more hurt than you already were, alienated, and full of regret. TRY THIS: Ask a friend to be a support partner who you can turn to and call when you are feeling as if you might take actions you regret. Agree to time each call to five minutes (you don’t want to use them as a dumping ground). If you don’t have anyone to talk to, consider finding a counselor.

Stay in the Present

Once your feelings are acknowledged, purged, and you’ve sought accountability for your actions, you are ready for the next healing step. You can’t go back to the situation and change it, but you can learn from it and move forward with a positive attitude. Realize that you are worthy to be your best self, and everyone needs help sometimes. Don’t allow unresolved hurt to control your life. Make room for happiness in your life by clearing away negative internal emotional scripts,, such as condemnation, feelings of unworthiness, or rage. Be sure to determine whether rehashing your story is helping you, and not hindering to you. If you notice that you are having trouble moving forward, professional help may be needed.

Forgive Yourself

No matter what occurred or didn’t occur, begin the process of forgiving yourself. Self-forgiveness is more than a decision, it’s the process of becoming whole again from the inside out. Sometimes when people hurt us, we can start blaming ourselves for things we could have or should have done differently. Blaming ourselves is not constructive. However, accepting responsibility for the part we play in our own hurt, owning our past choices, and resolving to use the lessons learned to make better choices in the future can be highly constructive.  Sincere renewal of relationships through forgiveness can only begin with forgiveness of ourselves. Forgiveness can free us from a victim mentality. The we begin the process of becoming healthier through self-forgiveness, the sooner we’re ready to embark on the next step.

Forgive Those Who Hurt You

Forgiving others is much easier said than done. However, forgiving those who hurt us is one of the highest expressions of self-love! When you forgive others, you discard a heavy burden from your back. In doing so, you free yourself. It can be healing to turn all desires to avenge your hurt over to The Lord. Romans 12:19 instructs us to do just that, with an assurance that justice is well managed by God.  Setting boundaries is a key condition of forgiving others. To be clear, forgiving others does not mean condoning what was done to you, nor does it indicate that you should continue or reconcile the relationship producing emotional pain. If an abusive relationship puts your physical or emotional health at risk – by all means, forgive, and stay clear of further hurt. Forgiving others is a way of giving all your burdens to God.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things
right if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

By Reinhold Niebuhr

Two of VABC’s professional psychiatric nurses, Lori Cook, MSN, RN, PMHCNS-BC and Nadene Peters-Jones, RN, MA, PMH-BC-Retired, research and compose these practical and encouraging ministry updates. Working together, they  offer concrete tools to help us recognize the signs of debilitating psychological challenges common to highly stressful circumstances. Stay tuned to this page to learn more about the upcoming VABC Health Fair.