Overcoming Shame
Healing & Practical Management to Improve Relationships
What Is Shame?
Brenda knows that she would benefit from connection with a home church but is reluctant to take the first step because she feels that she will be judged. She is single with 3 children and does not have the funds to buy clothes she would want to wear to church. She also feels she does not have anything to offer the church. When her friend Patty attempts to talk to her about attending church she dismisses the conversation, stating that the weekend is her time to catch up with housework. Brenda appears to be using shame to block her from her blessings. How would you support Brenda with her religious/spiritual journey? How can we support each other with our issues of shame?
Shame
Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper. The truth is, how deeply you feel ashamed often has little to do with your worth or what you have done wrong.
We have all experienced shame, but it can be hard for us to admit it. Refusing to deal with shame issues can be the root of our problems. When we avoid and ignore our negative feelings and actions, they only become worse. Our ‘Inner Critic’ tells us that we are a bad person, that we are worthless and that we have no value. When that happens, we try as best as we can to hide our true self. When we are not authentic, it is hard to attain healthy relationships.
Women are quicker to feel humiliated than men, and adolescents feel shame more intensely than adults do. As a result, women and adolescents are more susceptible to the negative effects of shame, such as low self-esteem and depression.
Healthy Shame
Healthy shame can also exist. Shame can be healthy when it causes you to have humility, allows you to laugh at yourself, makes you humble, or teaches you about boundaries. Without at least a little bit of shame, people would have trouble measuring the effects of their behaviors on other people. Healthy shame also keeps us in check, it helps us behave in ways to exist as social beings. such as obeying the laws.
Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.
Philippians 3:19
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
I John 1:9
I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me. I hold fast to your statutes, LORD; do not let me be put to shame.
Psalm 119:31
Categories of Shame Behavior
In the academic book Shame, published by Oxford University Press, the authors identified four categories of shame behaviors:
Lashing out in anger or attacking the other person to deflect attention from yourself. The hot response is usually an impulsive reaction. Impulsivity is associated with undesirable, rather than desirable, outcomes.
Doing things to make yourself feel small, trying to avoid being the center of attention, or not sharing your thoughts or feelings. Concealing yourself is a method of self-protection.
Apologizing, crying, or avoiding conflict. People who have a tendency toward being emotional or avoiding conflict may be more likely to engage in safety behaviors. Being a people pleaser to the point of being out of balance.
These might include things like doing things to soothe yourself or apologizing to others. For example, if you forgot an important anniversary, you might tell yourself that you had a lot on your mind or engage in gestures to show that you are sorry.
